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Stupid Zone


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Ian Topham's picture
Ian Topham
User offline. Last seen 1 day 21 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 22 Jul 2008

Ok, I know people can't resist putting up stupid jokey posts at times, which are usually funny, but sometimes detract from serious discussions.  If you want a laugh, stick it in here and let us all join in with you :)

K Corkery's picture
K Corkery
User offline. Last seen 4 years 48 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 28 Oct 2008
Man walks into a pub with a

Man walks into a pub with a pasty on his head and the landlord says ' oy mate why have you got a pasty on your head?' and the man says 'I always wear a pasty on my head on a Wednesday'
The landlord says 'But it is not Wednesday its Thursday'
The man says 'Oh no I feel a right prat now'

Ian Topham's picture
Ian Topham
User offline. Last seen 1 day 21 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
From a Mind More Fertile

From a Mind More Fertile Than Mine

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

21. A backward poet writes inverse.

22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

K Corkery's picture
K Corkery
User offline. Last seen 4 years 48 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 28 Oct 2008
Lowering the tone

Two flies sitting on a lump of poo - one blows off and the other says 'do you mind I am eating my tea'

Ian Topham's picture
Ian Topham
User offline. Last seen 1 day 21 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Tommy Cooper Tribute

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?' 'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

SJMcKenzie
User offline. Last seen 4 years 48 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 1 Nov 2008
quotes...

"When I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it."

Urisk's picture
Urisk
User offline. Last seen 29 weeks 6 days ago. Offline
Joined: 15 Oct 2008
Here's a few of my favourite

Here's a few of my favourite bad jokes!

Two parrots are sitting on a perch and one says to the other...

"Can you smell fish?"

I went to the bank the other day and asked the clerk behind the counter to check my balance for me. She pushed me... :)

How'd you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat? Well, a Weasel's weasily recognisable, while a stoat's stoattaly different!

A man walks into a smiddy for a job. The blacksmith asks him "Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No," he says, "But I once told a donkey to 'F'-off"

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Ian Topham's picture
Ian Topham
User offline. Last seen 1 day 21 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
WOW Causes Divorce

This is rather funny.  WOW causes a divorce

Ian Topham's picture
Ian Topham
User offline. Last seen 1 day 21 hours ago. Offline
Joined: 22 Jul 2008
Was this
Columbine
User offline. Last seen 3 years 40 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 24 Nov 2008
 *laughs* Oh no, I've seen

 *laughs* Oh no, I've seen that before. It was a spoof episode that was never aired. There's another snippet as well which involves a lot of swearing and talk of auto-eroticism. 

welshbabe
User offline. Last seen 2 years 43 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 4 Jan 2009
Got a few jokes lol

::–) What do you get when you sit under a cow? (answer- a pat on the head lol!!!
Velcro- what a rip off, lol
Did you know exit signs are on the way out? lol
I know, i know what your all thinking? i ought to be on stage!!........ (scrubbing) lol



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