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"I wanted to be a milkman, right - but I didn't have the bottle!!"
"I've played football on a plane you know....
there I was, running up the wing!!!"
"Black beauty, now there's a dark horse!!!"
"This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police -
they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!' "
"I went to the butchers the other day and the butcher said, 'I bet you £5 you can't guess the weight of that meat on the top shelf'.
' I'm not gambling!' I said, 'The steaks are too high!!!!!!
"Did you hear Handel has teamed up with Hinge and Bracket?
They've formed The Doors!!!!!"
"I was taking the motorway out of London.
A policeman pulled me over and said: 'Put it back'
"I've got a sponge door....don't knock it."
"So I took my dog for a walk and it was really angry -
well it would be it's a cross breed!!"
"So I said to my Mum 'I'm going to the funfair' -
she said 'Oooooh will you go on the Ghostrain?' - I said 'No, I'll walk'"
"I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1.
Only problem was the volume control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?"
"So I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman,
'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?'
The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back!!!!' "
"Three cheers for rap music!
"A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling-film for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts'."
"The other day someone left a piece of plasticine in my dressing room. I didn't know what to make of it."
"Two blokes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it."
"My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in."
"A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'."
"Police arrested two kids yesterday.
One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off."
"A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'."
"Velcro. What a rip-off!"
"I don't make jokes about the spanish.. No way Jose!"
"I went to Millets and said 'I want to buy a tent.' He said 'To camp?', I said [butchly] 'Sorry, I want to buy a tent.' I said 'I also want to buy a caravan.' He said 'Camper?' I said [campily] 'Make your mind up.'"
"Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds
later they come alight again, well the other day there was a fire at the
factory that makes them. The fire brigade have tried everything."
"So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray."
"But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition
and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar."
"When I was at school people used to throw gold bars at me. I was the victim of bullion."
"So I went to the doctor and he said, 'You've got hypochondria.' I said, 'Not that as well!'"
"I used to live in a teapot. I know what you're thinking 'Pour You'"
"Advent Calenders, Their days are numbered."
"I was playing the piano in a bar and this elephant walked in and started crying his heart out. I said 'Do you recognise the tune?' He said 'No, I recognise the ivory'."
"I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace!"
"I phoned the Football League and said I was interested in running a Sheffield based football team. They said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't manage Wednesday.'"
LOL!! I am laughing my head off... this really made my day. :) I will add a good joke when I remember one. Right now, I can remember nothing. :)
I remember seeing this As graffitti in some public toilets in Manchester, Someone had written "My Mother made me a Homosexual", And someone had written under it "If I gave her the wool, Would she make me one too?"
These are all funny by the way!
Here are some totally inappropriate Frankie Boyle jokes.
WARNING – Some of these jokes are a bit naughty!
The only time I want to see Geri Halliwell draped with the Union Jack is as a casualty of war.
Is there anything sadder than seeing someone with a dog picking up dog sh*t? Actually, maybe somebody without a dog!
The Tories have said they want to make more prison ships. Surely if you put prisoners on ships, you’re only going to create more pirates?
Venus Williams has brought something different to the women’s game – male genitalia.
Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I’m surprised she hasn’t joined them!
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer
When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy’s sack.
RyanAir have been getting a hard time lately because of their £7 flight to New York. but as always with RyanAir, it does land a little bit outside of New York. In Dublin.
I lost my virginity to my mum’s best friend.. It was my dad! It was the only time he told me he loved me!
I think that, amongst all the complaining, what we forget is that ten years ago political correctness itself was known as “Spastic Gay Talk”.
Since the split with Peter Andre, Jordan has apparently hit the bottle and isn’t eating properly. At least she’s able to carry on as normal.
I was reading the financial times when i saw the headline FANNY MAE COLLAPSE. For a moment i thought Kerry Katona was pregnant again.
I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?
Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back?
My wife still thinks I died in 9/11
LIDL’s own brand shampoo….
Because you’re worthless…
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to f**k you now.”
Was walking round Bradford the other day and its clearly a holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show
Maryhill Hurricane Appeal - Please give generously!
Hurricane 'Senga' hit the Maryhill district of Glasgow in the early hours of yesterday morning. Victims were seen wandering round aimlessly muttering "Pure mental, man no?"
The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately £9,000 worth of improvements. Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and Seville were damaged beyond repair. Three historically important areas of burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their Giros arrived the next morning. Police state that incidences of looting, muggings and car crime were particularly high during the night, but calmed down when the hurricane struck.
Forty-two asylum seekers were rescued from an apartment in Elmbank Street , rescuers are going to search the second bedroom later today.
Radio Clyde has reported that hundreds of residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that something interesting had happened in Maryhill .
One resident, Bernadette O'Reilly, a 15 year old mother of 5 said "It gied me a pure fright so's it did. My little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into ma bedroom greetin'. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Natasha-Jordan-Jade slept through it all. Ah wiz still pure shaking when I was watching Trisha the next morning, so ah wiz". Neighbour Joseph 'young young' McGurn said "The noise wiz tremendous. At first ah thoat it wiz the young team coming oot of The Bugle Bar, but it wiz even worser.
The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Bon Accord Pola Cola and two tons of Cheese Toasties to the area to help stricken locals.
Rescue workers are still searching the rubble and have found quantities of personal belongings including Benefit books and bone china from Poundstretchers.
Residents in neighbouring Ruchill offered to accommodate those left homeless, but the Maryhill people decided they were better off where they were..
A Council spokesman has indicated that it would take take at least a full morning to get things looking like normal and added "There has been a pure Blitz spirit, everybody's been pure blitzed".
Poundstretcher has agreed to stay open 24 hours to allow residents to refurbish their homes. The Government has pledged to ensure that bookies, pubs, chip shops and other essential services will reopen as soon as possible.
HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This Appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.
Clothing most sought after includes - Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Hoodies, Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), white sport socks, Rockport boots or Adidas trainers. Food parcels are also urgently required. Please try to include - Microwave chips, Greggs Pies , Sugar Puffs, Tins of spaghetti, Gypsy Creams, Curly-Wurlies, Red Cola, cans of Special Brew and Diamond White, bottles of Buckie or El Dorado , glue or hairspray.
Just 22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms. £2 buys
chips, crisps and Irn-Bru for a family of nine. £3 will pay for a pouch of
tobacco, papers and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.
Rescue workers have found a 10-year-old girl in the rubble Apparently she was smothered in raspberry Alco- pop. When asked where she was bleeding from she replied " Craigmont Avenue , whit's it got to dae wi' you?"
Duz tha speak Yowkshire?
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."
A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!"
A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin".
He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!"
The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you".
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
"E, she were thin".
Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar se cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"
Wayland's Smithy is one of the most impressive and atmospheric Neolithic burial chambers in Britain. Somehow this ancient grave became associated with Wayland, the Saxon god of metalworking, from whom it takes its name.
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